Keeping it queer

Polly Bush** is a Webdiary columnist.

 

A new contestant has emerged in the lead-up to this year’s federal poll, with the launching of a political party prepared to take on the Howard Government’s gay wedge issue – or at least, take the issue up to a higher level.

The Keeping-It-Queer (KIQ) Party, launched today, has been formed as a direct response to the Government’s recent policy announcements to legislate against marriage and overseas adoption rights for gay and lesbian Australians.

While the new Party opposes the Government’s policies, Party President Les Beyan said the Coalition’s “regrettable” position left it no other option but to work with the Government in further creating a segregated society.

“If John Howard wants to create an Us-and-Them Society, the KIQ Party will ensure we roll out these reforms to all spheres of Australian life,” the new Party President said.

“We will help create clearer divisions between straight and gay Australians, so to preserve the sanctity of both groups.”

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Heading up the KIQ Party’s agenda is the issuing of pink triangles to all gay and lesbian Australians, which will bolster John Howard’s canvassed introduction of a national ID card system following the next election.

“By helping John Howard fight the war on terrorism, the pink triangles will also help the Government’s war on diversity,” Les Beyan said.

The triangles will also help identify lesbian and gays at polling booths, complementing the KIQ Party�s proposal of limiting their voting choices to gay and lesbian candidates.

This policy will also be put in reverse, meaning heterosexuals will be banned from voting for candidates such as the Greens Bob Brown, the Democrats Brian Greig, and Labor Senator Penny Wong. Les Beyan warned it could also affect several others.

“While the Labor Party has promised an audit of all discriminatory federal legislation, we will conduct an audit of all closeted members of parliament and out them,” Beyan said.

The pink triangles will also identify gay and lesbian Australians as consumers, permitting them to buy products like Robert Dessaix and Patrick White books, Peter Allen records, and attend festivals run by Robyn Archer, which will now be prohibited for all heterosexuals.

Geographical zones declared �Pink Triangle Areas� will also be set up, and will only be accessible for gay and lesbian Australians.

Oxford Street in Sydney and Brunswick and Chapel Streets in Melbourne are already considering the Pink Zoned Areas, fearing these bustling inner city trendy retail strips will be reduced to ghost towns if they reject the move.

Gays and lesbians living in Yarraville in Melbourne’s inner-west are considering a ban on allowing their Federal member Nicola Roxon from visiting the suburb, following her comments in support of the Government�s marriage ban.

Suburbs of Highgate Hill and New Farm in Brisbane, Prahran and South Yarra in Melbourne (part of Treasurer Peter Costello�s federal seat), and several inner-city Sydney suburbs are considering blanket pink zones. Northcote in Melbourne has already agreed to revert to the suburb’s friendly local term of Dykecote.

Similarly, Cairns and Noosa in Queensland, and Daylesford in Victoria are also weighing up the pink dollar in their areas.

But it’s predicted the pink designated areas will face stiff straight opposition, with heterosexuals living in and around such areas threatening to set up heterosexual rights lobbies in response.

“I pay my taxes, I’m law abiding and I have a right to shop in Oxford Street if I bloody well like,” one angry heterosexual Sydney resident said upon hearing the KIQ announcement.

Workplaces would also be allocated straight and queer workstation areas, and where possible, gays would be siphoned off.

Such a move would force gay athletes in the Australian Olympics team out of the Athens squad and into the Gay Games.

Swimming’s governing body is shocked by the move, saying it would potentially wipe out almost the entire Australian squad from competing in this year’s Olympic Games.

Other measures announced include the banning of frocks worn by straight men, a move that Channel Nine is reportedly appealing, given that footy shows are high ratings programs for the Network. The Churches are also said to be incredibly confused by this particular move.

Justice Michael Kirby will only be allowed to hear High Court cases relating to gay and lesbian Australians, a proposal that has sent panic waves through the Attorney-General’s Department, Bill Heffernan’s office, and the shoebox of the Australian newspaper’s Janet Albrechtsen.

Hugh Jackman will be banned from performing any more musicals, while Adam Elliot will be forced to hand back his Oscar.

Kylie Minogue is set to be devastated by KIQ’s formation and goals, and is considering canceling her greatest hits tour fearing she won’t be able to fill seats if she has to rely on heterosexual ticket purchases.

Network Ten’s Queer Eye for a Straight Guy will be relaunched as �Straight Eye for a Straight Guy� with Warrick Capper being touted as a potential host, despite an insider from the Network fearing “nobody will watch it”.

Play School will be re-marketed as Gay School, so as not to offend or confuse any Howard Government members, or the Leader of the Opposition who are all regular viewers.

The KIQ Party also wants to ensure the Howard Government�s marriage act and adoption rights proposals are rolled out in full to include Howard�s ‘survival of the species’ sentiments, and will introduce a new series of amendments if elected.

“Married couples who can�t have children will have their marriage annulled with the introduction of compulsory fertility testing at marriage registries,” Les Beyan said.

The Opposition said while they supported the Government’s recent amendment of the marriage act, they really and truly care about the rights of gay and lesbian Australians.

The Prime Minister and the Government refused to comment on the Party’s launch and proposals.

**Polly Bush is a pink triangle adorned lesbian who sought full permission from KIQ President Les Beyan to report this story.

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