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“John needs to be a bit careful which bits of Australian waterfront property he shitcans, otherwise he might have to shift back to the bloody Lodge himself! And we all know what Janet would have to say about that.” Jack Robertson

Jack Robertson is Webdiary’s media critic. His archive is at Jack.

 

MELVILLE ISLAND, ANTIPODEAN STANDARD DREAMTIME: The eternal spirit of Eddie Mabo officially proclaimed the the Great Southern Rainbow Republic of Antipodea late today, in a small ceremony on the island formerly known by British Colonial Office bureaucrats as �Melville�.

The ceremony was attended by over a dozen spirit generations of �Australians� of all nationalities, races and creeds, along with countless numbers of the island�s original inhabitants, stretching back beyond all recorded White Man�s time.

The unexpected but proud declaration by Mabo of the world�s newest sovereign territory, one which has yet to be recognised formally by the United Nations, came after the Australian representative of the British Caretaker Government, Mr Howard, finally surrendered his long struggle to claim ownership of the various islands to the �Australian� mainland�s north on behalf of his Monarch, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second.

Mr Howard, who has spent much of his long political career championing �traditional� British concepts such as the �rule of law� (including the illegitimacy of retrospective legislative change, such as that inherent in an earlier Mabo proclamation), is understood to have finally conceded the pointlessness of fighting to retain British sovereignty over the islands.

According to a senior government Minister who could hardly stop laughing at the absurdity of recent events, Mr Howard last weekend decided to rid himself of the problem of �all those pissant little specs of dirt up there� altogether, including Mr Mabo�s own ancestral home of Mer Murray) Island, by simply �chopping the bastards off the Aussie map� and declaring them �terra nullius� again.

This in turn allowed Mr Mabo�s spirit to take possession of the islands and re-assert a newly-independent sovereignty.

It is understood that a Rainbow Republic legal delegation is already in New York seeking formal recognition of the new country, and membership of the United Nations. Enthusiastic sponsorship and support for the ratification of the Great Southern Rainbow Republic of Antipodea is understood to be forthcoming from those 188 countries who did not participate in the recent trilateral invasion and occupation of Iraq.

Said one senior diplomat, the UN Ambassador for a permanent member of the UNSC: �Mon dieu, we are tres keen to give zese new blokes a go. Obviously Australia herself, she have � how you say – �blown off� zee UN completement, so oui! We are happy to have someone down zere who is serious about zee international co-operation, zee human rights and zee consistency in matters of international law. Tres bon, tres bon! Also, we promise never to bomb zee new southern island nation with zee nuke, non? Viva la Republique!�

Senior members of the British Government and the Crown are understood to be �concerned and alarmed� at what some in Whitehall are describing as an �abject surrendering of hard-won British Crown Land to certain European Powers and International Bodies which have long had their eye on such Pacific prizes.�

But Mr Howard was insisting that his recent abject flip-flop on the issue of White Man�s Land Rights had not made him, and Australia, look like complete idiots in the eyes of the international legal community. Asked to comment on the proclamation of Australia�s newest sovereign neighbour, Mr Howard said from his cubicle in the British Colonial Office in London today: “It’s quite irrelevant. It doesn’t really matter.�

When told that the Southern Rainbow Republic had flagged its intention, if granted status at the UN, to abide rigorously and conscientiously by all International Covenants and Conventions on the Environment, Arms Control and the Proliferation of WMD, Security Council Resolutions, the Universal Declaration on Human Rights and the 1951 Convention on Refugees, Mr Howard said:

�That is why the act of excision was so important and that is why the Labor Party’s opposition to excising those islands means that the Labor Party is against our policy of deterring illegal arrivals.�

Other members of the government, however, are understood to be less confident. Contacted for comment in the Treasurer�s office, one very senior Minister who certainly did not want to be named, smirked: “John needs to be a bit careful which bits of Australian waterfront property he shitcans, otherwise he might have to shift back to the bloody Lodge himself! And we all know what Janet would have to say about that.�

Newly-elected President of the ALP, Carmen Lawrence, cautiously welcomed Mr Mabo�s proclamation, congratulating the Great Southern Rainbow Republic of Antipodea and wishing it well at the UN:

�If the world�s newest nation does indeed succeed in being recognised in New York, the Labor Party will certainly look forward to forging a strong, friendly and productive relationship with her.�

�In fact, I�ll be arguing passionately and idealistically that, once we take government, rather than using the GST budget-surplus for a tax cut, we should use it to build a mighty bridge to the Southern Rainbow Republic, clean across all the various cultural divides that have widened between John Howard�s older ideas of Australia, and her newer ones. And then the new government and the new opposition could take a bipartisan �spirit-walk� across the bastard. Maybe try to join the very best of both worlds together, as one young, green, forward-looking, third millennium nation again. I think a leader like Peter Costello might just come at that. And I think that maybe �it�s time� again, too. Australian Dreamtime, so to speak.�