Letterbox rummaging – junk mail, bill, junk mail, bill, junk mail – hang on, what’s this? A package from the Prime Minister. First thought – looks dodgy, should I call the terror hotline? Should I clear the area?
Letter addressed to “Dear fellow Australian”, blah, blah, blah – signed “John Howard” … signature stamp looks semi-real. Could John really have signed this? No, of course not. Rummage straight to booklet …
FRONT COVER: Let’s Look Out For Australia (that big island, south of the equator)
“Protecting our way of life (whatever that means) from a possible terrorist attack” (if alive, locate loved ones, internet, radio, television, substance of choice).
Accompanying front cover photos:
1. Crowded beach scene: Get your gear off, forget the coconut oil, it’s time to slip, slop, slap.
2. Barbequing: remember to use extra long tongs. Lick finger and hold it in the air to determine smoke flow direction. Stand in the opposite direction and prepare for wind change.
3. Approach a police officer at the local shops if any can be located. Ask them if their hat had a previous life in ‘The Nun’s Story’, and if they’re off duty on Tuesday nights, whether they think Chandler was a pig with his reaction to knocking up DC McAllister.
4. If posing for a class photo, beware the ol’ bunny ears trick. Gets ’em every time.
“Commonwealth Government”, written just above a thin line of colours inspiring rainbow flag thoughts which in turn causes eye rubbing to clarify vision. Turn page.
ABOUT THIS BOOKLET
“This booklet is part of a campaign to inform the public about what is being done to look out for Australia and protect our way of life from a possible terrorist attack.” If alive, locate loved ones, internet, radio, television, substance of choice.
“It is part of the Commonwealth Government’s commitment to keeping every Australian informed about:
” – new counter-terrorist measures that have been put in place” (read ‘self promotion’)
” – how we can all play our part by being alert, but not alarmed” (unless you read this booklet in full)
” – who to contact to report suspicious activity” (mental note, man climbing in neighbour’s window, call hotline)
” – what to do in the event of an emergency” (if alive, locate loved ones, internet, radio, television, substance of choice).
“Please take the time to read this booklet, and fill in and keep the emergency contacts fridge magnet.” In case there is a biological, chemical or radiological attack, there is a slight chance your fridge will be OK.
Accompanying photos:
1. If out of sunscreen, find extra large Australian flag to hold up on shoreline, and see if sunset can fade out Union Jack.
2. Cricket: Laugh as you hit Dad in the unspeakables for six.
3. Steve Liebmann: National treasure.
Don’t nod off, remember, Be Alert …
CONTENTS page. More rainbow colours. Cut out for potential Mardi Gras arm band.
PROTECTING AUSTRALIA
“Terrorism has changed the world, and Australia is not immune” OH NO, NOT AGAIN, ENTER STEVE LIEBMANN’S VOICE IN HEAD …
Accompanying text refers to September 11, Bali, and just in case you forgot, the Federal Government’s possible terrorist attack warning last November. To cover all bases, it still stands.
“New measures include strengthening intelligence, Defence Force and Federal Police capabilities, and tightening air security (an airline collapse or two) and border controls” (rationing sanitary provisions and sharpening razor wire for premises which hold people fleeing terror).
“Further restrictions on items allowed in cabin baggage.” Ah, yes, those reassuring signs at check-in points at airports which instruct potential terrorists to please remove knives and nail files of mass destruction from hand bags.
“Stockpiles of antibiotics, vaccines, anti-viral drugs and chemical antidotes are in place.” Or at least enough for some members of the Defence Force and politicians.
“The public will be kept informed with reliable, up-to-date information on the situation at all times.” Does this apply to Iraq? Is Steve Liebmann involved?
“A terrorist attack on Australia’s critical infrastructure could significantly threaten national security, our economy and lives.” Good to see the Government’s order of priorities.
Accompanying pics:
1. Emergency workers wearing gas masks and ‘Outbreak’ style cat suits, standing over stretcher and patient. Suck in happy gas, suck in happy gas, make it go away, make it go away. Where are the men in white coats?
2. Oil refinery with background purple storm clouds. Beware background purple storm clouds, you might turn into clear skies if Baghdad is bombed.
WE CAN ALL PLAY A PART
A part? or apart?
“Be alert, but not alarmed.” Err why do they keep repeating this?
“There are things we can all do to help protect our way of life.” Just like Americans, every Australian has their part to play and isn’t it terrific? As US Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage told us in December last year, “It’s hard to imagine two allies like us wouldn’t be involved in the great issues of the day together”. It’s great Dick, just great.
“Keep yourself informed It is important that you try to keep up to date with the news.” Seven Sunrise is keeping up a happy face, with their self-declared “CAMPAIGN FOR OPTIMISM”, which on Monday morning seemed comical with the running bottom screen news update of “John Howard to stay on as Prime Minister past his 64th birthday”. For those who are after a more realist approach to their news, try The Oz’s inside banner headline of “Countdown to War”. And of course, there’s always Steve.
“You can cut out the card on the right and carry it in your purse or wallet.” Card reads: “IF IT DOESN’T ADD UP, RING UP”, followed by the national security hotline number. Reckon they’d be able to explain the Australian Government’s Iraqi policy? Or the Federal Opposition’s? Or the Americans?
Back of card reads yet again, “Be alert, but not alarmed”. Heck no, you’re just carrying a frigging terror hotline card in your wallet. Nothing to be alarmed about at all.
“Possible signs of terrorism” …
– “Unusual videotaping”. Beware blooper, not so funny home video or Jackass attempts.
– “Suspicious vehicles … explosives can be heavy, so cars and vans may sit abnormally low on their suspension. They may be out of registration, or have false or missing number plates.” Beware all Kombi drivers, particularly those carrying ‘MAGIC HAPPENS’ and ‘NO WAR’ stickers.
– “Unusual purchases of large quantities of fertilizer”. Beware better homes and gay boys crews stocking up for a backyard blitz.
– “A lifestyle that doesn’t add up”. Beware anyone reading this.
“Our Community”
“Terrorism affects us all and no community or religion should be made a scapegoat for the actions of extremists. If you see harassment or discrimination, do not turn your back.” Try to avoid talkback radio, particularly on the topics of detention centre fires, gang rapes, chadors, or banning Santa.
WHAT TO DO IN AN EMERGENCY
“If a bomb explodes Get away to an open space or protected area as quickly and calmly as possible.” Confused? Open space or protected area? Perhaps run between the two options, as calmly as possible of course. But whatever you do, “Do not form or join a crowd – there may be other bombs”. Find an open-spaced, protected area minus crowds and recite ‘Be alert but not alarmed’ slogan in head. Whilst chanting slogan, also try to “Stay away from tall buildings, glass windows and parked vehicles”. Remind self it’s great working in the heart of the city.
“General Advice”
“If it is dark, check for damage using a torch. Do not light a match – there could be gas in the air.” How reassuring. Keep a torch handy? How’s the sinuses? Alarmed yet?
“Use a landline to call essential contacts if mobile networks are down.” Hello? Hello? Ah yes, of course, the section is titled “general” advice … if the grog runs dry, find the nearest bottle shop.
“Other steps you can take to prepare for an emergency … Develop an emergency plan … who will check on elderly neighbours or pick up children from school?” Damn. I knew there was something I forgot the children!
“Choose an out-of-town friend or relative who is prepared to be a point of contact if the members of your household are separated.” Any takers? Margo?
“Agree on a meeting place Decide where your group will meet in the event of an incident that makes it impossible for you to go home.” Pub sounds good.
“Assemble an emergency kit … include a torch, a battery operated radio, a first aid kit including latex gloves” And a pair of fishnet stockings. Kinky. If alive, locate loved ones, internet, radio, television, fridge magnet, terror hotline card, latex gloves, torch and substance of choice.
ESSENTIAL FIRST AID
“Cool the burn with plenty of clean, cold water (except for burns that are charred, whitish or deep).” Where’s that ‘but not alarmed’ slogan when you need it?
“Exposure to chemical, biological or radiological agents … exposure to any of these agents could lead to an unexplained outbreak of illness.” Why do I suddenly feel itchy?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
“How long will Australia be on heightened alert? It is likely that we will be living with increased security for the foreseeable future.” Again, covering all bases.
“Terrorism has changed the world and security may never return to the relaxed levels most of us grew up with.” Not like growing up in Sir Joh’s Queensland.
But remember, “It is essential that we do not allow the threat of terrorism to change the way of life we value so highly.” Yes, you can still go and play the pokies.
“What if my children become concerned or anxious about terrorism?”
“Talk with your children about what is happening and what is being done to protect them (Remember to pick them up from school). Encourage them to say how they feel.” But for chrissake, don’t let them ask any questions, particularly along the lines of ‘Whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?’ If they do, put fingers in ears and sing lalalalalala.
“Be honest about things being discussed in the media and in your community.” Really? Should this involve Steve Liebmann and the graffiti that reads “BE ALARMED”?
TRAVELLING OR LIVING OVERSEAS
“Australians have always been great travellers, and are welcome visitors in most countries around the world. Nobody wants to change that.” And as long as John Howard doesn’t start engaging in hypotheticals about first striking terrorist cells in neighbouring countries again, it should stay that way.
MULTILINGUAL INFORMATION
Makes a hellovalotta more sense written in a foreign language.
WHO TO CONTACT AND WHEN
Rewrap up info, and return to sender.