Polly Bush is a Webdiary columnist.
Canberra has been infested by a vermin outbreak that threatens to mutate across the country as the federal election gets underway. Queensland Senator George Hamster Brandis first noticed the little-man turned gigantic-lying-rodent, but now denies sighting such a Kafka style transformation.
Senator Brandis, who keeps scurrying in his tax-payer funded rat wheel treadmill exercise gym, has since been branded a blind mouse.
While the main mouseketeer is said to be none other than Prime Miniature John Gopher Howard, rat experts are speculating whether all elected representatives have some form of lineage tracing back to the Order of Rodentia.
It is believed it is possible for elected representatives to morph into rats if suffering from ‘rankititis’ (not to be confused with a ‘pancreatitis’).
Sufferers of the disease are said to have sharp grinding teeth, are commonly dressed in suits and display symptoms of delusional acts of denial and deceit.
“Nobody told me” is a common rankititis expression according to internationally acclaimed rat experts, who universally agree “arse-covering” is another widespread rat trait.
Donning his Big Cat Hat, Opposition Leader Mark Mighty Mouse Latham wanted to add “arse-licking” to the list of rat qualities, but refused to say as much, preferring not to engage in any dirty squeaks as he continues to re-mould his whiskers.
Instead, Mighty Man Boobs Mouse Latham pledged a policy of rat extermination efforts if elected, smoking them out of their rat burrows, making sure they inhaled any wacky substances in an effort to clean up the rat halls of Canberra.
Riding a bicycle, Senator Bob Mickey Mouse Brown refused to comment on whether such rat extermination rounds would occur in conjunction with any ecstasy trials.
South Australian Liberal Trish Minnie Mouse Worth said if the reports of the rat outbreak are true, she hoped they would be subject to stricter quarantine laws than the poor little mice who fled traumatic overseas warrens. Later, she regretted referring to them in such a way.
Mike Scrafton, one of the principle Rat Hunters, not to be confused with Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, undertook another rat interrogation session to swear Chief Rat Gopher Howard was told there were no poor little mice in the water.
In fact, there were no rodents on any boats as the only vermin of the land were living as elected representatives of the Coalition Ratbaggery Government.
Once again Chief Rat Gopher Howard avoided any rat discussions, instead sending Hamster Brandis to run on the treadmill again, where the Hamster told the critters of the land they could “trust” the Chief Rat.
To fend off any ratbaggery claims, Prime Miniature Gopher Howard spent part of his rat re-election campaign chewing on the troops returning from the Athens war, as well as waving off more athletes to the Iraqi Olympics, with Mighty Mouse Latham knawing close behind.
But whether the Chief Rat wins another term is a non issue for some – even in the Chief Rat’s own ranks.
Rat-in-Waiting Malcolm Danger Mouse Turnball allegedly told a voter in Jarlsworth that the rats in the ranks didn’t really matter, as Chief Rat Gopher Howard would be eradicated within two years of winning another piece of cheese.
However, Chief-Rat-To-Be Peter Ferret Costello has ruled out any future rat race off, preferring to instead highlight how Mighty Mouse Latham will lap up all the creme in the kitty.
And so the treadmill keeps on spinning …